Generally speaking, when most people think of domestic abuse they picture a big hulking man standing over a beaten woman, but in reality, it can happen to anyone But because of this traditional view, domestic abuse often goes silent in queer relationships.

Let me tell you a little story…

Just last year, I met a couple, Ashley and Maya, and I found out that Maya was physically abusive towards Ashley at a party when I saw the two of them arguing and then Maya punched Ashley in the face. I, of course, was completely shocked and when Maya left I helped Ashley to the bathroom to get her cleaned up. She confessed to me that it had been happening for the past two years. It started off with her just getting irrationally angry and then one day Maya came home and wanted to have sex but Ashley wasn’t in the mood and refused. Maya became furious and pushed Ashley down and began to tear off her clothes.

Maya left her there, on the floor, crying and naked. Of course, like most people in abusive relationships do, Ashley tried to justify the actions of her girlfriend by saying that Maya loved her but just has trouble expressing it and would even blame herself. Fortunately, Ashley was able to get out of that relationship and is now happily single.

But what is the real tragedy is that she felt like she couldn’t tell anyone. Not only because of the fear that Maya would harm her but because she felt nobody would really take her seriously.

I’ve found that people tend to think that in queer relationships, abuse can’t really exist. If you’re a lesbian couple then it can’t happen because women are never the abusers and it doesn’t happen with two men because you’re men and therefore you both have a ‘fair advantage.’ I don’t need to explain to you how this is an entirely damaging stigma because it shuts out any possibility for someone to seek help. If trying to reach out and seek help for your situation only results in you getting laughed at or having doors slammed in your face then eventually you stop trying. And then you stop hoping.

We have to start taking abuse in queer relationships just as seriously as we do in straight relationships. No one deserves abuse but everyone deserves hope.