I’m tired of being a courted one-timer.
It’s obvious that I am gay. I fit the stereotypical feminine gay man that you see on every network TV with a gay character. I’m soft spoken, and friendly. When I was younger, I fit the Twink clique very well. I don’t blame John Doe (meaning every straight man I’ve have ever been courted by) for me being single. However, I do blame myself for letting this happen.
John takes the time to court me. We meet and he is nice to me, makes conversation and shows interest in my life. Of course he makes sure I know that he is straight. He isn’t all weird about it or anything like that. Just affirming that he doesn’t want me making a pass at him. I respect that. I won’t try to convert anyone.
As time goes by, he invites me to go to places with him. Sometimes he takes me to dinners at his favorite restaurants, and some of mine. Always asking what I want and catering to me. He loves to cook for me and makes some very interesting foods. We watch games at his home together, or we go to a sports bar and have a beer. Of course in my mind, I think we’re dating. In his mind, I have no idea what’s going on, it’s a mystery to me. We do everything you can think of that may qualify as dating, such as opening doors for me, bringing me gifts, and making me feel all special.
I got confused, not sure where this is going. I am literally being courted by a straight man, who says he’s interested in women. Tells me about the dates he goes on with those same women. Yet, we’re only friends and I feel like I’m am being courted. I have allowed it, hoping it would be different. That he would be different than the other men who have done the same thing in the past.
Then, one day it happens. Right out of the nowhere, he invites me to dinner. Not a usual one like we always have. This last one I could tell it was different. He picks me up, holds my doors, places his hand on my lower back. My favorite part is when he orders for both of us, and afterwards we go for a stroll down the street, walking next to each other. His body heat burning me at a distance beckons me towards him. He places his arm around my shoulder and our bodies are rubbing against each other with every step we take. I can feel the electric charge of our tension together.
In the car on the way to his place his hands take mine and places it on his knee as he drives. Squeezing my hand, he talks with a nervous twitch, his heart rate at a quick pace. The windows start to steam before he parks his car.
In his house he offers me a drink, I accept, I forget all conventions and let him do to me what he wants, what I want, what we both have been fighting for during this long courtship. I give in, he gives me all, we both take and take as the night progresses to a morning of spent energy and love exchanged.
The sun rises and its heat wakes us up. He’s awkward towards me. As if he didn’t know me or as if I did something wrong. With a cold attitude and disdain, he takes me home.
This morning after is what I feared up until now. For all know he’s confused and scared and only used me for his basic human sexual needs. It’s not my fault, I didn’t court him, he courted me. I feel used, abused, vulnerable, and scared. Why do I keep feeling that I did something wrong? Why am I attracted to straight men who cannot give me their heart after they give me their body?
I was courted for a few months for a one night stand and thrown aside like a used rag.
I have to make a change in my taste of men. I’m tired of being a Courted One Timer.