an open letter to the girl i loved

Dear the girl who used to be my world,

It’s been a while. A while since we’ve spoken, a while since we were friends. But nonetheless, I am writing to you. I am writing to you to get this off of my chest. I am writing this to tell you everything I couldn’t for the past year. An entire year. Crazy, isn’t it? How I’m still thinking about you. It’s sad really. You’re not even thinking about me. Sometimes I wish you would.

I don’t think you ever knew how much I loved you. Even after you left. I had never told you, mostly because I never knew until you said your final goodbyes. I remember when you left. I remember pleading with you, asking you to please stay, screaming at you that “you said you’d never leave me!” I remember the exact day you said that to me. That was in 2013. And I still remember. It was a lie, obviously. You never cared either way. You wanted to leave, I saw it in your eyes for the 6 months you were with him. I was always background. I stopped being important to you. It crushed me. It made me feel weak.

I remember telling my other friend at the time, after you left, “I miss her smell. I miss her warmth. I miss the way she laughed. I miss everything.” She immediately replied with something along the lines of, “That sounds a bit more than just friendly, Victoria.” When she said that to me, everything changed. I was now so aware of everything I had ever felt for you. I was definitely in love with you. I know that. I’m not anymore, thank god, but I remember everything so clearly.

I missed your smell, god, I still miss your god damn smell. You always smelt like your dogs and a mixture of your perfume. I loved that smell. It reminded me of home. It reminded me that I was loved. Your family loved me like I was your sister. My family loved like you like you were mine. What we had was too good to even describe in words. You made me so happy, in every single way possible. You made me feel like I was okay, even on the days I wanted to kill myself. You were my world.

I’ll never find a best friend like you, no matter how hard I try. No one will compare to you. You were the perfect person for me to be friends with. We had everything in common, we were so good for each other. I can’t believe you left me. Why did you? I still don’t know. I want to know. I made one mistake, something that wasn’t even any of your business, and that was it. It had nothing to do with our friendship. Why did you blame everything on it? I know that wasn’t it. What’s the true story? Why did you leave me? You were all I had. I miss you so damn much. I would kill for you to become my best friend again. You were my best friend. Why did you leave me? Why, why, why, why? I’m almost in tears writing this. I never deserved to be betrayed and treated so badly. You know that. If you ever read this, give me an answer of why you did what you did. That’s all I’d need to move on forever. I just want to forget.

In all reality though, I don’t think I could ever forget. I could never forget the way you saved my life all those years ago. I could never forget how you came over every weekend and brightened up my days. I could never forget all of the hugs, all of the tears, all of the smiles, all of the laughter, everything. You did so much for me. I will never be able to forget you. Thank you for everything. I was in love with you. I’m glad I’m past that point. But I’ll never be glad that you left. I love you, and I know you’ll always know that. I will never be able to push you out of my memory, even though you’ve been able to push me out of yours. I hope you’re happy.

Always yours,

Victoria, your ex-best friend.