It is time for the latest in a series on how not to infuriate a trans woman (a multi-part educational series written by yours truly, HeyWriterGrrl).
I had this experience at dinner one evening when one of the people at the table began every sentence with, “now that you’re changing into a woman…” or, ” since you’ve turned into a woman…” or, “now that you’re becoming female…”
Huh??
The first few times I replied, “I have always been a woman.”
This wasn’t getting through.
The last time I said through clenched teeth, “I’m not turning into anything, I have… ALWAYS… been a WOMAN.”
For those of you already grinding your teeth, I get it… Really I do… I have a long fuse though, and I’ll put up with much, rather than pulling off a show stopper performance of reconfiguring your clueless backside and handing it back to you on a platter. Entertaining as it might be for those within earshot, it’s just not my style, but I will use you for educational purposes whenever I am out speaking, or you’ll get a starring role in a future column in the various places that I appear regularly.
I will continue to educate as gently as I can, but if you repeatedly say something this truly clueless, I correct you, and you continue to say it… Don’t be surprised when I suddenly verbally give you a belt upside your head.
Those who get it, who understand, who empathize… They don’t say such things… A friend asked me late last year if there was ever a time, a brief moment even, when I was happy, comfortable in my own skin, in the 50 years prior to beginning transition. I had to ponder it for a bit before telling her no, there was never a moment like that before the transition.
Trans men always have been men.
Trans women always have been women.
And our gender non-conforming family have always been anywhere and nowhere on the gender spectrum.
There is no turning into or changing into… We were always who we are, it’s just now there is access to the resources to make the outward view match who your inner being has always known you to be.
I have a truly dry, wicked, and twisted sense of humor, and I find the damnedest things truly funny. Normally, I wouldn’t give this a lot of thought, but after dealing with a few transphobes early in the day, this fell entirely flat on my funny meter.
So, rather than yell about it for a week, it is my latest educational moment for those who are open to learning new concepts. (Also known as, respecting your transgender elders).
So, let us review shall we?
I am a transgender woman… I have always been a woman… The only thing I am becoming or turning into, is an older version of who I was yesterday.
End of lesson. You may put your notebooks away now, but remember this important lesson, there will be a quiz later.
And while you are out there in the world, remember to LOVE each other INTENSELY.
