dear andy, i’m in love with my best friend’s husband

I’m 25 and I work as a hairdresser. Yes, I know I’m a cliché. A gay male hairdresser. The funny part is that everyone thinks I’m straight. He, he, he. My best friend from high school is a stay at home mom. She moved back east three years ago . . . with a husband and a toddler. We used to go everywhere [together]. We used to do everything together. Since she’s back, I spend my free time at her house helping with her daughter. I love being the uncle. Anyways, I do her hair, . . . her mom’s, as well as her husband’s. [Let’s] talk about the husband. He’s hot as the gods are immortal. I always get nervous when he comes to the shop to get his haircut. Because he works evenings, I barely see him at her house. We’re nice to each other and he’s happy that I’m in his wife’s and daughter’s life. Out of the many men out there, he’s not threatened that I’m gay. Lately, though, he has changed his schedule and stays home more often. 2

I try not to go [over there] as often because I get all nervous and panicky. A month ago he chastised me for not hugging him when I go over there or when I leave. He says it’s a family thing. Am I family now? At first, I was being facetious and gave him a tight hug and a kiss. He didn’t back away and returned the hug but not the kiss. As the month went by, our hugs lasted longer and he gives me double kisses. A couple of times I’ve felt his erection on me. Last week he gave me a kiss on the lips, and last night [he kissed me] with tongue while he cupped my butt.

I’m confused. He’s so straight and very much a man. Am I reading our affections wrong? He hasn’t made a pass at me or made me feel uncomfortable at all. Granted, I love the way he kisses. I’d sleep with him in a heartbeat, but he is my best friend’s husband. Should I confront him and lose my friendship or leave the family and go on my merry way?

-Kissed and confused

Dear Kissed and Confused,

I think that there is something there. Just because he’s married and has children does not necessarily mean that he’s not gay. He might be bisexual. He might be in the closet; making you his only sexual escape. There are many reasons, and we can’t sit here and wonder which one it is. Ultimately it’s none of our business what his sexual attraction is or has been. It’s simply none of our business. Just like it’s not his business to know how many men and/or women you have slept with.

What is most important is to think of your primary relationship with your best friend. Is it worth breaking her friendship to sleep with her husband? There’s no guarantee that you’ll be with him forever or even for a night. Whatever happens –after you sleep with him–you won’t be able to shake the feeling of betraying your best friend. I had to drop a best friend who slept with two of my boyfriends. I felt betrayed, even more so as I did not find out until later. He could easily have found his own boy toy, rather than taking mine.

I strongly recommend you talk to him. Don’t accuse him of anything. And don’t tell your best friend either. She doesn’t need this headache. I don’t necessarily agree with this myself, but you have to consider that she’s raising his child and that will never change. You have a lot to loose including your self-respect and integrity.

People forget that we are humans that happen to be gay. Not the other way around. 

-Andy

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