Dear Andy,
My best friend’s kid told me to ‘gay it down.’ I was at their house visiting. Her brothers and sisters with their spouses were visiting. It was a great evening because she was going to meet her grandchild of nine for the first time. I’ve known him since he was three and now he is in his thirties. The fact that he said that struck me as out of character and uncalled for. His mother and uncle brought it to his attention. He got on the defensive and claimed that the girl was shy, timid, and he didn’t want to expose my gayness to her.
I asked if she was a virgin or had she been living under a rock or up high in MT Olympus. The next day he gave me a blanket apology and insisted that he said it so I wouldn’t offend the young girl. I accepted the appropriate in order to keep the peace. Later I find out the girl he implied as timid and virginal was actually one of his brother’s gang girls spreading her thing and got pregnant at 14. I’m upset and I feel that I should disassociate myself from that family. It’s bad enough having a homophobic sibling.
Sincerely, Pissed Off and Offended
Dear Pissed Off and Offended,
Don’t take it to heart. Most likely he has no idea who you are in public or outside his mother’s home. He’s only seen one aspect of you. The one where you can let down your hair, be as loud as you want, and flame out. He’s only seen the loud boisterous you. That’s his impressions of you. He knows nothing more. Such as if you’re single or married, where you work, or your hobbies. His exposure to you is quite limited. You’re his Auntie EliMae. Figuratively.
We all have an Auntie EliMae. She’s the auntie that you know nothing about. You’re not sure what side of the family she is from. None of the children know anything about her life. They would never be seen in public with her, let alone introduced her to their friends. All they see is a drunk woman, probably a sphincter, or a lesbian. Doesn’t work but survives. Makes passes at all the single men she sees. A spectacle to be entertained. They can’t wait for her at the party to make fun of her and make up stories. She probably has her husband’s body under her bed. She casts spells and sacrifices young children on a full moon in a dark cemetery.
What they don’t see is that everyone else loves her. She’s volunteers at a shelter, works an important job that changes people’s lives. She is divorced and has a healthy sex life. She’s a normal everyday woman.
That’s how we’re seen by our adopted nieces and nephews. We visit our best friends but we only see their children as distant appendages that we know plenty about. You know more about him than he of you. You watched him grow, his mother tells you everything about him. His mother doesn’t tell him your story. It’s not her place. Plus, he doesn’t care.
Don’t worry about it. He was out of place but he doesn’t know any better. I’m not defending him by any means. He should have handled it differently. Watch how life will continue as if nothing happened.
