dear andy, my boyfriend is three decades older than me

Dear Andy. I’m in a relationship with a man three decades older than me. We have nothing in common, but we do enjoy each other’s company and I feel that I’m learning something from him. My family knows him because we go to social functions and the fact is that we have always known him. He’s a great friend of my grandfather. Not to sound creepy, but I’m 35 and he’s 67 years old.

I get along with his children and grandchildren. His middle son is my age. We are like one big happy family. Christmas is always a big event somewhere around the world. I love his family.

I enjoy his company very much. He makes me laugh and is always kind to me. When we go out to dinner or a movie he pays my way. Or when we travel we go to Europe, South America, and Africa. Our next trip is Asia. Our sex life is awesome. Granted, they’re a few obstacles and we have learned to overcome them. He calls them, “Old Folks Clinks.”

I’m not sure what my problem is. I like the man, but he’s 67 years old. I’m learning a lot about history, math, architect, the arts, etc. It’s like being in school all the time. I love it. However, I miss being out with men my age. Playing rough sports like rugby, soccer, and boxing. I miss going out clubbing and coming home drunk at 6 in the morning. I miss watching movies that have no plot (pick a movie and you found one). I miss my youth and I feel like I’m growing old with him.

I don’t know how to tell him that I want to do things that I want to do. Everything is educational, cultural, historical, etc. I want silly, free, and not necessarily educational. I don’t mean I don’t like what we do. It’s just that I think we can do more things that I like. I’m afraid of telling him because he might dump me. He is sensitive. I don’t want to lose him as a lover or as a friend. I think that I’m giving him everything of me and he’s giving me his money. When I ask him to do something without spending money he gets mad and tells me that that’s what the money is for. To live a life. “He who has the buck’s rules.”

I don’t want his money. I love him. He could be dirt poor and stupid for all I care. I love hanging out with him. I love his wisdom and our sex life. I just want to do more things that I like. What can I do, without losing him?

Want to be young again.

Dear Want to be young again.

My best advice is for you to decide what you want out of life. What do you want? Don’t think of his feelings or his family’s feelings. Don’t worry about silly things that you have no control over. Figure out who you are as an individual and go forward.

No one is asking to stay with him and live the next twenty-some years doing what he wants. You have a right to do what you want. Enforce that power. If he decides that you don’t deserve to do what you want or support you in your decision to do things that he doesn’t like, it’s probably because he does care for himself. He might not think that you’re his boy toy or you think he’s your sugar daddy, the reality is that you two are just that. If you want more than the pederasty relationship. Put your foot down, talk to him and tell him your feelings.

Ask him how he feels and why he treats you this way. Maybe he’s afraid of losing you and this is how he can keep you with him. With his money. Correct him of that. Earn your respect. Think about you. Enjoy life the way you want it.

It’s about communication. Set your boundaries. Respect and be respected. You’re in a relationship not in a business contract. You are human so demand to be treated as one.

Share this story if you have gone through the same. You can also email me if you have a problem and need queer advice. Talk to you soon.

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Andres has a lot of experience, and he’s very knowledgeable about most things–just not everything. He’s always learning new things, having new experiences. When you meet him, you will wonder where he has the time to do so many projects, how he comes up with his wild stories, when does he sleep, or where does he get his energy?