“don’t turn into a boy”

Today I got a haircut. Not a normal haircut. I got a cut that basically took most of the hair off of the sides of my head, only leaving a fluff at the top. I got this done while my mother brought my dog to the vet, considering I was lucky to have the day off from school and work. The hairdresser asked me what I wanted, and I basically just told her how I don’t want my hair to touch my ears anymore. The more I cut my hair, the more I just don’t want any hair. It’s honestly kind of annoying.

When my mother returned to get me, she looked upset. She hated it. I could tell from the very second I got into the car. I figured that she just liked it back when it was long, all the way down to the end of my back. I soon found out that it wasn’t the reason for her disliking this cut. When we got into our house, the first thing she said to me was, “Please don’t turn into a boy.”

I just stood there in shock at her idiotic words. How could she be like this? Why does me cutting my hair suddenly mean I’m transgender? After explaining to her that if you’re transgender, you were born that way, and I wasn’t. She then went on to say, “Fine, just don’t start wearing boy clothes and wanting a penis.” That was it. I had to ignore her completely so that I wouldn’t go off on her and upset her. Her blatant transphobia disgusted me. It still disgusts me. A haircut is a haircut. Hair is just simply hair.

Writing this reminds me of my internalized homophobia article. I had spoken about how people will say that they’re fully supportive of gay people, but are truly homophobic in their hearts. This completely describes my mother, maybe even my stepfather. And I hate to admit that. I hate to throw her under the bus, but I cannot deny that that’s how it is. She is not a bad person, I do know that. She grew up in a different time, and I understand. But she needs to get used to the fact that her daughter is not straight, and will never be straight. And a haircut doesn’t define that. Am I less of a lesbian if I keep my hair long? That makes no sense. None of it does. I also don’t want to be a man just because I cut my hair a certain way, or wear a certain style of clothing. If I wanted to come out as transgender, I would have. I’m growing and learning about myself, and that certain self is a woman. This woman knows damn well that a haircut doesn’t define her.