finding the nerve pt 4: flirting

Do you get anxiety at the thought of flirting with women?  What kind of questions do you ask yourself?

  • Is she gay?
  • What if she gets offended if I try to talk to her?
  • Am I being creepy?
  • What if she rejects me?

Those are the questions that I used to ask myself among many others.  Nothing is more embarrassing than getting the courage to tell a woman she is beautiful and she sneers at you and yells in contempt, “Back off, carpet muncher!” 

One incident kept me from approaching women for years. I would say that it traumatized me to the point that I walked around with blinders avoiding any visual contact with women that I was interested in.  Now that I am older and have more experience, I am all about sharing with other lesbians who are spreading their wings.  I have made many mistakes and much progress in navigating in the sometimes confusing world of lesbian dating.  

If you are afraid of approaching women in a paralyzing and awkward way, please continue to read.  The first thing that you need to remember when you choose to jump off the cliff of constraint are these statements:

  • All women want to love and be loved.  It does not matter if you are gay or straight.  All human beings need love.  It sustains us.
  • All women have been conditioned to be self-deprecating, insecure and terrified of being hurt by someone they love.  Just turn on the television if you don’t believe me.  Every other commercial is telling us we are fat, imperfect and need makeup.  Almost all television shows are about promiscuous sex and infidelity.    
  • All human beings no matter how “ugly,” “pretty,” “fat,” “skinny” are afraid of rejection.  External beauty is nothing more than symetrics.  True beauty is internal and it does more than make us stare in fascination- it touches our souls.

 No woman is better than you.  No woman is more worthy than you are.  No woman is too beautiful to find you desirable.  You have absolutely nothing to be afraid of because you have the same fears as me and I have the same fears as her.  

Now that we can acknowledge that you are pretty darn wonderful and deserving of any attention from a lovely woman, we can talk about making the first move. Since I am a lesbian and I want to limit my odds of hitting on a straight woman whenever I can help it, I say that a lesbian/gay bar is the best place to practice.  It is impersonal and a great place to meet several women to talk to.  The secret to using the bar as your practice ground is timing.  Go early enough to find sober people to talk to and late enough to actually have people to talk to.

If you read my last article 3 articles from my Finding the Nerve series, I hope you have made plans to practice a bit over the weekend if you haven’t started already.  If not, I encourage you to do so.  Practice makes it easier and you might not believe me, but talking to attractive women will become easier.  

Alright, now you’ve spotted a woman that you cannot stop staring at.  Every time she looks your way, you look away fast- after all, you do not want to be caught staring like some creeper, right?  

By the way, that was your first mistake- looking away after getting caught staring.  That was more creepier than continuing to stare.  All she sees is the guilt as you jerk your head around in an awkward movement of insecurity.  Vulnerability is sweet, insecurity is a turn off in any animal kingdom except to predators.  Insecurity is a feast for a predatory personality. The best thing to do when you are caught staring is to smile at her.  She will most likely smile back and that is the first step to connecting.  

The big secret to hitting on women is pretending that you are not hitting on her.  Treat a woman like she is someone you would like to get to know, not as if she were the object of your desire.  This will allow her to relax her guard. Treat her like a human being, not a conquest.  

Once you engage her in conversation, it is not exactly necessary to buy a woman a drink but I recommend this courtship move.  Make it a casual offer so  that it’s not about you making a move.  I always say, “I am about to get myself something to drink.  What can I get you since I’m going that way?”  If she declines, just let her know that it is not a bother and offer to let her get the next round if she wished.  You just committed her to a longer conversation without her even knowing, because now, she may feel obligated to buy the next round which may keep her in your company longer.    

After the first drink, if you managed to find something interesting to talk about, try to get closer to her.  I use the chance of getting the first drink to sit closer to her.  I do it very casually as if I am sitting in the same spot that I was in earlier.  Every time you laugh with her, you should lean toward her so that she can smell you. You are associating your scent with the sensation of her joy/laughter.  Laughter and your smell can increase her attraction to you when provided simultaneously.  This is why you want to be close enough to touch her randomly.  A touch on the hand, arm, shoulder creates intimacy in your communication while affecting pleasure receptors.  It should be light at first unless you notice her staring at you with lingering glances.  If you see the following movements, you are on the right path:

  • Is she touching her neck, lips or waist a lot?  Women tend to touch themselves sensually without even knowing it when they are attracted to someone.
  • Does she make consistent eye contact while smile at you and leaning toward you?
  • Playing with her hair;  When flirting, it is natural for women to play with their hair because it is a mating ritual that releases pheromones from their hair follicles.

If you identify these signals, make the move.  Ask her for her number and see if you can connect with her on FaceBook so that you can check out her profile and see if she is as interesting as she seems.  FaceBook stalking is a perfectly acceptable form of getting to know someone.  Once you get the number, stay for a few more minutes and then do a grab and go.  
While in your car, text her and tell her you enjoyed meeting her and look forward to hanging out sometime.  Whatever you do, you have to follow up within 24-48 hours and book the first date.  If you move past the 48 hour mark, you may lose the opportunity to move forward.   

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Bella is an entrepreneur with a passion for writing. After making the step to come out as a lesbian, she made the decision to bridge the communication gap in the LGBTQIA+ community by sharing her voice. Her blogs cover subjects such as effective communication, dating, and health.