I feel like the more I realize what I truly need in life, the closer I get to accepting certain aspects of myself. For instance, the fact that every so often in my life, I feel the ebb and flow of mood swings (thanks, Bipolar Disorder). Or that there have always been times, since I was around 10 or 12, during which I thought to myself about what my life would be like if I were different. As an only child; as a twin; as a different race; as a man. This feeling persists, and I am becoming able to accept this facet in myself in a whole new way. As a genderfluid individual, of course, I have my days. Sometimes, I would rather present as feminine. Or androgynous.
I would be overjoyed if I could ever pass, successfully, as the man I get a glimmer of in the mirror in the morning. I like it when people call me “bro,” “dude,” “man,” and so on. I watched a video about women being made up to look like Drag Kings. It was the first time in quite a while that I was able to acknowledge that this would totally be something I’d be into, if I could ever get a ‘makeover’, so to speak.
Many years have passed, and it feels like I’m so much closer to being real with myself than ever before. At first, I could pretend to be anonymous online. I could be anybody behind a keyboard, and I’ve researched the surgery, therapy, and everything else I could think of that would aid me in figuring out who I truly am. What would I call myself? I’d still have all my quirks, talents, and I’d probably be a fabulous man, no matter what I ended up doing.
The problem with all of this isn’t my relationship with myself, but with the way that I perceive people to accept me. We should all feel free to question our identity. Without fear of rejection from family, friends, and the LGBTQIA+ community. We should all have the freedom to choose what we like and dislike about ourselves, and if I want to be more androgynous and present as male or female (or, really, however I feel like presenting, sans label), then I should do it! I don’t care if society has a problem with it; it’s nobody’s business but my own what I do with my body.
Sometimes, I do worry that the people around me are xenophobic and somewhat of a closed circle. That may be my anxiety speaking. But, at the end of the day, I know what I feel and what I need to do next to achieve my goals. And one of them is finding a therapist nearby to talk about my options.