I think every guy considers what it means to be a man at least once in his life. It’s a natural thought to occur as we grow up and want to understand what our role in the world is supposed to be. The idea of what manhood means is something that I have spent considerable time pondering on, and I know I’m not the only one. The struggle of understanding what this means in a modern world can be difficult, even more so for those of us who often fall outside of social norms on what it means to be masculine and/or “straight.” The issue of what defines manhood isn’t just a concern for men in the LGBTQIA+ Community, however, it’s a concern for a lot of guys.
If you want to get really technical, the definition of manhood is “The state or period of being a man rather than a child.” but depending on the part of the world you grew up in, and the cultural expectations of that society, when exactly you become a man, or the responsibilities involved can vary drastically. There are places where it starts pretty young.
In the United States, we legally become adults at age 18, but does that equate to the same thing as becoming a man? If you ask me, I don’t think so (but really, what do I know? I’m still figuring out the whole man thing). I don’t know that age really has anything to do with it. Maturity might matter more.
But what does being a man look like? Does it require stoicism or seriousness? Do you need hair on your chest or six-pack abs? Does it necessitate marriage, or being a father? Do you need to make a certain amount of money? Do you have to be able to work on your own car or hunt for your own food? Or do you need a plethora of sexual conquests to brag about?
Most of the things just mentioned above have nothing to do with being a real man (I hope anyway) but do we ever think they do? Do we put those kinds of expectations on ourselves?
I think that one of the primary elements of manhood involves obtaining responsibility. This can be a responsibility for yourself or also for others. It doesn’t just mean having that responsibility, but wisely fulfilling the obligations that go with it. It means, for example, being able to provide for yourself the necessities required to live. That requires you don’t rely on mom and dad to take care of you. It means if you have a family of your own that you provide for their well-being.
If you go by the responsibility requirement, then there are many guys well into their 30’s that still may not be men. We essentially have a society with many grown boys… but the issue of men and their absence of fulfilling required responsibilities is probably the topic for another article.
So, what else does it take to be a man? Especially a real man?
That ideal will vary for every one of us, depending on the kind of men we have had in our lives. An ideal example could mean our fathers, grandfathers, uncles, or brothers. It could mean our neighbors, or teachers, etc. Some guys probably feel like they didn’t have any good examples growing up and they aren’t even sure what that looks like.
I’m only 26 years old and I don’t have a whole lot of life under my belt compared to a lot of fellows out there, but based off the men I’ve had in my life and observations I have made, here is my personal list of what I think a man should be, and what I want to aspire to:
- Compassionate. A man that shows love for those around him. A man who helps those in need. Somebody who understands nobody is perfect and treats all people with respect.
- Strong will. You have a backbone. While still having compassion, you aren’t anybody’s doormat. You stand up for your personal convictions. You also have persistence.
- Hard working. A man that does what it takes to provide for himself and those under his care. Even if it means doing something hard.
- Slow to speak. This is something I’m working on… but I admire a man who is careful with his words and uses them sparingly. Idle talk would be something to avoid.
- Teachable/Humility. A man who is willing to learn new things, and also accept that he may have things inside of himself that he needs to change.
- Treats their significant other with the utmost respect and love. The way they feel about their partner should never be something that can be questioned.
- Has self-control. It doesn’t matter if this involves emotion, sexual appetite, addiction, or other bodily cravings. You should be in control of your body and not let it run you. Humans are more than animals and should not give in to every whim or want we may have. There is a time and place for everything.
You’ll notice this list doesn’t say anything about being athletic, or masculine acting, or having an interest in sports, or guns, or cars, or girls, etc. While there is nothing wrong with any of these things, being a man means so much more than your interests, your sexuality, your personality, or your mannerisms.
Being a man has to do with the quality of your character and not much else.
That list makes up the basic elements of my understanding of what it means to be a man. Obviously, other people will have different ideas. Understanding what manhood is, is something personal for us, even perhaps sacred. Nonetheless, having that understanding is important, and whatever conclusion we come to, whatever requirements it has, we need to aspire to them. Being a man I don’t think is supposed to be easy, just like life isn’t; it is however still a responsibility that we have in society that must be upheld, and too often I think it is put off for the sake of things considered more fun. Some of us want to stay boys and have the time to play. This isn’t really the way the world is supposed to work though, there is a time where we must put of childish things and act like adults. We have reached a point where our world, or our country at least, needs more good real men, especially men that can lead, whether that be in families, in business, in our communities, in politics, or anything else. This is a special responsibility and is not something that should be done begrudgingly. It is something to be celebrated. Being a man should be something we are proud of, and something we don’t wait too long to aspire to be.
Becoming a man is a process, and something I am still slightly figuring out (aren’t we all?). I don’t know that there is any secret to what it means to be a man, nor is it something we ever totally get a grip on. It really just means being a good human being and all that entails. It involves trying to do what’s right. In my mind, that puts the realm of manhood as something more achievable, and it’s a place where a lot of us already are.
